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5 minsVanilla sex can be very fun and pleasurable but sometimes it can be interesting to spice things up with something kinky. Some people are familiar with the world of kink and how to traverse it, for others it can be quite daunting. But don’t worry, if you’re a beginner in kink I’ve got you covered. I’m going to tell you my tips for having a fun, safe and kinky time with someone you find hot ;) If you’re familiar with kink, also have a read and see if there’s anything you would add to it!
Sure rules & guidelines can be boring but in a sexual context, they actually create a space where you can feel safe & express yourself, especially in a kinky setting, so embrace these 5 guidelines before, during & after sex.
The first rule is always consent. You and your partner need to talk about the kind of sex you’re interested in having and see if it’s compatible with both of your desires. It could be the case that either you or your partner are nervous about a certain kink or a certain dynamic. It’s so important to talk to each other and make sure everyone is comfortable with what will happen. It can be nerve-wracking to partake in kinks you’re new to, even if you think you’d be into them, so take it easy on each other.
Establishing boundaries is the next step in the consent talk - they go hand in hand. After you’ve talked about the kinks you want to try, you need to talk about the limits around these kinks, especially hard limits.
For example, if you’re partaking in impact play, you should discuss what level of pain the other person is comfortable receiving and how they would like to receive the impact.
Do they like it really hard?
Do they prefer if you spread the impact hits around rather than use the same spot?
Do they mind if you bruise them?
All of these are important questions to ask each other and establish those boundaries. It ensures that people have a good time within their limits and are not pushed past them. An important thing to remember is that boundaries can also change during sex and that’s also okay. If you’ve already established good communication, it means any changes that occur during play can be easily communicated to the other person.
This next one is part of boundaries, but it’s so important I had to write it out separately - HAVE SAFE WORDS! Doing anything kinky requires you to have safe words to make sure that everyone is safe and having fun. It prevents any accidents, complications or mishaps that might occur. An easy safe word guide is the traffic light system - red, orange, green. Red means stop, orange means be careful, and green just means go go go. Of course, you can use any words you want as safe words - it could be pineapple or umbrella or whatever, just make sure you have them!
While you don’t need a lot of things to have kinky sex unless you partake in something very specific, it’s important to have some things around in case of an emergency. For example, if you’re experimenting with rope play, have a set of safety shears around so the ropes can be cut quickly in case of an emergency. Or if you’re experimenting with impact play or with something that breaks skin like needle play, knife play etc. have some bandages or plasters around.
A very important aspect of safe, kinky, sex is AFTERCARE. To define what aftercare is, think about the highs you reach in sex - emotionally and physically. After you reach those highs, a comedown is necessary and aftercare is essentially how you can care and be there for each other through this comedown. Aftercare is essential, especially if you’re playing around with dom/sub dynamics. After a play session, it’s important to talk and check in with your partner. You can also cuddle and be intimate with each other in non-sexual ways to feel that closeness. Aftercare looks different for everyone and it can be whatever feels good for you and your play partner. Some examples could be watching TV together, having a bath or shower with each other, hugging, having a snack, pillow talk or even simply discussing the experience you shared. It’s all about respecting each other and taking care of each other. It helps foster trust and will eventually lead to hotter sex ;)
Once you’ve discussed your boundaries, talked about safewords, and established the dynamic, it’s time to have fun and enjoy yourself. Using kink as a tool can be a really cool way to learn more about yourself and how you respond to pain and pleasure. It can also be a way for some people to process trauma and feel more connected with their partners. Kinky sex can not only be very pleasurable, but it can also be healing when done correctly. In his book, “The Body Keeps The Score,” Dr. Bessel van der Kolk writes about the changes that occur in the bodies and minds of people who have suffered trauma. I’m going to summarise my understanding of it but you should definitely read the book yourself. der Kolk describes that experiencing controlled stressful situations allows the body of the traumatised person to release pain-blocking chemicals, similar to how their body responded to trauma. In his own words, “for many traumatised people, re-exposure to stress might provide a relief from anxiety.” Apart from that, the process of finding partners you trust to share such experiences with, and even discussing boundaries and establishing consent can be so validating for people who’ve suffered trauma. The feeling of trusting yourself to make decisions about your own body can also feel really good, renewing that sense of control one might have lost due to trauma. These are not necessarily scientific facts, but the experiences of traumatised people who partake in such activities are also valuable in informing us about kink.
If you're curious to dive into the world of kink & fetish, it can be helpful to learn from others, plus it can be a safe way to explore a fantasy at home and see how it turns you on.
We have some pretty spicy kink & fetish shoots on Ersties for you to enjoy, from our Kinky Threesome with July, Medea & Flora X to our Fetish Month.
