Begin typing to see the results
Time to read:
5 minsPut that helicopter dick away.
If you want your partner to take the lead, or you’re not sure how to initiate yourself, you’re not alone. The State of Sex Survey by the Rosy app found ‘initiating’ to be one of the top things people desired more of from their partners, with oral making it to the leadership position. And it’s not surprising because it can feel awkward to approach our partners for sex. It’s why a lot of us try turning it into a joke with the illustrious boob honk or helicopter dick. But if that isn’t working and you’re not feeling up to a seductive candlelit dance à la Bitter Moon, there are other ways to initiate sex.
Sex Therapist, Victoria Marin identifies six common sex initiation styles that will empower you to approach your partner, in her book Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life.
Initiating is always going to feel vulnerable because you could get rejected. Marin writes, “People deal with their fears of rejection in one of two ways: by rarely initiating sex, or by trying to turn initiation into a joke using techniques like the dreaded Boob Honk”. Other regrettable initiations include: guiding their hand to your genitals, randomly humping their leg like a dog, and keeping score by saying something like "It's been two weeks!” All of which I’ve tried.
You see, we think we can hack vulnerability by making it into a joke. If they reject us then, well, I was only joking! But the problem with honking boobs and its kin is that it almost certainly won’t lead to sex. You might not get hurt, but you won’t get what you want either.
When we initiate we are asking for our needs to be met. Sex can satisfy a number of needs from the more obvious sexual expression to relationship reassurance and self-confidence. When you look into what the underlying need is and validate that with compassion, it takes the pressure off of needing that from another person.
Ultimately there’s no escaping the vulnerability of asking. Knowing what appeals to your partner(s) will make you more excited to try. You may prefer one or more of the styles below, and a different approach may appeal to you more than your partner (this may be why wires have been getting crossed thinking our partner wants the same thing we do!) Totally fine. It’s just a way to get the conversation started. Marin defines 6 initiation styles which I’ve paraphrased below:
You want there to be an element of anticipation around sex. You’re the kind of person that’s turned on by having sex on the calendar to look forward to. A sext on your lunch break will have you rubbing your thighs together waiting to see your lover that evening. If this initiation style was a pop star it would be Miley Cyrus because it ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side, it’s the climb.
Having your hair stroked, your morning tea prepared and the sound of your partner lovingly vacuuming makes you horny. This may be especially important for caregivers who are used to putting others' needs above their own. A partner that knows how to take care recognises the little things that matter to you and wants to show they matter to them too.
Be careful not to allow this one to become too rigid a role though, as it can actually deplete desire if it becomes parental as Esther Perel discusses for TED.
The best way to get into your pants is with some creative emoji pairings, perhaps accompanied by an inside joke that signals to both of you that it’s time for sex. Personally, I have a prized photo collection of hard dicks being slapped against hard surfaces, like ironing boards and work surfaces for this reason. You might have a secret code for when it’s sexy time like playing a certain song. Or maybe your lovemaking morphs out of a heap of laughter you fell into when one of you attempted to call their soggy pasta al dente.
You want them to tell you how sexy you are. Both when you’ve made an effort with your outfit and put socks in to curl your hair or shaved your face and when you’ve just woken up in the morning. You want compliments about how you look and how good a friend you are, how resilient you are at work, and how kind. You want your partner to want you so badly that they push you against the wall in public like Eminem in 8 Mile because they can’t wait any longer.
For you, emotional intimacy is a crucial stop on the way to bang town. You love eye contact, and deep conversations and hate it when they’re on their phone while you’re spending time together. You want to feel your partner is fully present with you and who you really are on the inside. Your love language is quality time.
Yeah, a butt squeeze or boob honk might actually work for you. You prefer physical initiation to verbal. You love it when they come up behind you and put their arms around you or slap your ass. For you, this feels like they’re thinking of you and you frankly just love a good grope. But maybe you’re open to a more romantic touch too? How about a foot massage?
Whether a simple kiss will do, a good vacuum down the hallway, or a sext at lunchtime. The above are just some prompts to get the conversation started about how your partner likes you to initiate. Don’t forget to ask first and, you might be surprised by their answer!
“I feel like I have to initiate because I’m the man”
Now you may be thinking, but I don’t want it to always feel like my responsibility to initiate, and that might have something to do with gender roles. Hetero-cisgender men have historically had more dominant roles while women are expected to be submissive. This shows up clearly in relationship scripts like who is expected to make the first move or pay the bill. Even in a queer relationship, it can be just as challenging to have no script to follow. And nobody should be expected to guess what other people want.
To conquer this, try exploring your relationship to assertiveness more generally. Making a request means honouring your needs and accepting your fear of rejection. It’s hard! Thankfully there are plenty of opportunities to practice, whether it’s asking a crush out on a date or inviting a new friend out for coffee. Maybe they will respond with an exuberant yes, a (hopefully kind) no, or even a compromise. e.g. “I would like to go to that exhibition with you but not in the morning because that’s when I walk my dog. How about tomorrow afternoon?” Just remember a request is an invitation, not a demand.
We can try harder to understand each other’s needs but at the end of the day, different people won’t always want sex at the exact same time. One thing I do know is if you discover Cowboy roleplay drives them crazy, you’re going to be online ordering a fringed jacket and hat faster than they can say yeah-hah. And you’ll be happy about it because they gave you the gift of knowing how to please them. And isn't going out of our way for people one of the things that makes it all worth it?
If you're struggling with making the first move, or even just flirting and making a connection in the first place, you're not alone! We filmed a whole delightful, but slightly awkward 'First Sex' series on Ersties and it's full of those cute but embarrassing moments you might have during sex.
