Finding A Third: How To Have An Ethical Threesome

Failed Threesomes

I was in my mid-twenties and fresh from a breakup when I matched with Michael and Sara on Tinder. They had musician hair and a quirky dog. Seduced by their coupledom, I arranged to meet them at a cocktail bar. Michael talked about Nietzsche, and Sara remained quiet. We all went back to theirs and had mediocre sex on their floor mattress. Michael attempts to engage me with his hard-on while Sara sleeps beside us, and I ignore his private message asking to meet ‘just the two of us’.

Was it the You Me Her throuple fantasy I had in mind? No. Watching a guy ditch his girlfriend to get his rocks off underhandedly was not ideal either. But for all I knew, this was what they had agreed to (I just wish I hadn’t). But then, exchanges between couples and thirds rarely elaborate enough to know what you’re getting into.

Couple Seeks Unicorn

'Couple seeks unicorn' typically, not always, refers to a cis straight man and queer or bicurious woman searching for a bisexual woman for sex. A rarity, as Melissa A. Fabello writes for , "The joke is that the existence of such a woman is so elusive she may as well be a mythological creature."

To be clear, it’s OK to desire a threesome, it’s also no bad thing to want casual sex or even a triad. The situation gets dicey when a couple objectifies the third person, calling them ‘an anniversary gift’ or ‘treat’, and aren’t upfront about what they’re looking for, just ‘having fun’. For some couples, using more transactional language may distract from any fear or jealousy arising. But it also exacerbates couple privilege, which you want to be aware of to invite someone safely into your relationship. By the way, populating your profile with only pictures of the woman? Not cool either.

You can leave unsuspecting queers alone because there’s a better way to initiate a consensual, positive encounter. In my opinion, that starts with accepting you’re engaging in an act of consensual non-monogamy, however briefly, and getting informed about what that means.

Have an Open Conversation About Non-Monogamy

Suppose you’re not clued in on what consensual non-monogamy means, Relationship Therapist, Jenna Trostle tells ABC, "It's about having relationships with the potential for multiple partners and multiple loves, without it being something that you have to hide or lie about." Communication doesn’t become less important because the situation is ‘only sexual’.

Questions to ask your partner before having a threesome:

You need to honestly talk to your partner about what your threesome fantasy looks like in practical terms:

• What are your desires?
• What do you hope to gain from the experience?
• What are your limits?
• What will you do when jealousy arises?
• Is it something you both really want?

Do some emotional housekeeping first, nobody wants to be invited into a mess. If you want help, I strongly recommend reading by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton.

Opening a relationship can expand your knowledge about yourself and your partner. But if you’re not ready to have the conversation, you are probably not ready to have a threesome.

How to Find a Third on Dating Apps

Once you’re unified as a couple, you’re ready to begin searching for a third! You’ll want to make it obvious you are a couple on your profile. You can do this by selecting ‘couple’ as gender on Tinder or by attaching both profiles on , which is an app oriented towards fluid relationships and therefore a good place to look. And of course, include pictures of both of you, and talk about the things you like, and what kinds of people you are. It’s nice to have more to go off of than a haircut.

Consider Your Third’s Wishes Too

Now you can get chatting and put your request out there. It’s an exciting moment but be sure to remember this is not build-a-bear; you are looking for a real person, with their own complex set of hopes, desires and boundaries. Start by asking them something like: “What are you searching for on this app?” And if their wishes align with yours, great, go ahead and share what you’re seeking and ask if they would be interested. If not, thank them for their time and keep looking.

Finally, If you are looking for a threesome with somebody that has agreed to fulfil your needs, why not consider hiring a sex worker? Choosing a professional with explicit boundaries removes the risk of emotional entanglement with the third. Just remember, the most important part of any threesome is respecting all parties involved.

Wanna watch some healthy & sexy representation of a threesome? Check out‘Threesome with a Twist!’